I was perusing Craigslist and came upon an ad for Portland Walking Tours. They are looking for  part-time tour guides. People who “have leadership abilities, charisma, a sense of humor, great communication skills, and an obvious love of Portland.”

That sounds like me. I took a Portland underground tour several years ago and wondered what it’d be like to lead one. They wanted to know why I’d be perfect for this position. This is what I told them:

1. People think I’m funny.
2. Often hysterical.
3. Seriously.
4. I love Portland.
5. I’ve lived here almost 27 years.
6. I’m practically a native.
7. I can point.
8. I love to walk.
9. I really love to talk.
10. I can point/walk/talk at the same time.
11. I am tall, so tourists can easily spot me.
12. I don’t have onion breath.
13. Or doggy breath.
14. I know directions N, S, E & W.
15. I can also point in those directions.
16. I don’t need a microphone.
17. I am fairly loud.
18. I enunciate well.
19. I know the difference between their and there.
20. Example: “Hey folks, look over there!”
21. I know the difference between then and than.
22. Example: “It rains less in Portland than in Houston or Miami.”
23. Then it rains more in Houston and Miami?
24. Yes, it does.
25. So there.
26. I don’t mind when it rains.
27. In Portland. Or Houston. Or Miami.
28. I own comfortable shoes.
29. These shoes are made for walkin’
30. I also own boots.
31. They are not.
32. I led a progressive happy hour last year.
33. We walked everywhere.
34. Six bars in seven hours.
35. I love quirky artifacts, buildings and other things.
36. Saint Cupcake bike rack is fabulous!
37. Peculiarium? Not so much.
38. I’m pretty quirky myself.
39. I know where the raptors hang out downtown.
40. It’s supposed to be a secret.
41. I found it.
42. How? By walking.
43. I went on a Portland underground walking tour a few years ago.
44. I wondered what it’d be like to lead one.
45. I included all five things you asked for.
46. I follow directions.
47. I will not call you.
48. I promise.

They must have liked something I wrote, because they called me for an audition. Cool. I mean, VERY COOL! I’ll let you know how it goes.

Mrs. Brekke, (pronounced BREK-ee) my high school English teacher, wore large glasses like the ones pictured here. She was a big woman, tall and lanky, nice skin, with lips that puckered every time she smiled or talked.

It’s as though she sucked on a huge lemon wedge before every class.

She was a nice lady, as I recall, who put up with our ongoing class antics on a weekly (and sometimes daily) basis. But the incident that stands out most was a particular grammar lesson she was trying to impart. The lesson? Discerning between the possessive pronoun “its” and the contraction “it’s” for “it is.”

Frankly, the English language can be a pain in the ass. It’s amazing anyone can master the various parts of speech, synonyms, homonyms, and assorted vagaries that confound and confuse us. For example, why is “tough” pronounced as tuff, when “through” is pronounced as throo? Why not thruff for consistency? Distinguishing between “your” and “you’re” causes problems as well. Even the words “then” and “than” are used interchangeably (and wrongly) in everyday writing. To wit: If your brain can’t separate then from than, then you’re in more trouble than you think. But I digress.

Mrs. Brekke tried valiantly to help us eleventh-grade students understand the difference between “its” and “it’s.” I think she gave us a few examples and then, after several rounds, wanted to see if we “got it.”

She looked at Dave who sat behind me.

“Dave,” she said, in her high-pitched lemony voice. “Can you use the possessive pronoun ‘its’ in a sentence?”

Without hesitation, Dave blurted out, “Its glasses are huge.”

“Great example,” I thought to myself. Our laughter couldn’t be contained, and drowned out Mrs. Brekke’s pleadings.

“What? What did you say?” she asked, as we continued to cackle.

“It’s not important,” Dave shot back.